So senior year started, and I am really trying to enjoy it. This is my last year of “fun college.” I say that because I will probably go back to grad school eventually, but nothing about grad school says “fun.” That’s like the adult version of college.
So, I’ve been struggling. As hard as it is for me to admit it, I have been. I’ve gotten to this point with my food, that when I splurge on something, it’s on items like dried fruit, extra dark chocolate, or some dairy free ice cream. When I go out to dinner, I might splurge on getting sweet potato fries if they are an option, or get the gluten free bun instead of eating a bunless burger. Then I typically get this guilt that goes, “Why did I just do that?” “There went all my progress,” “Tomorrow, I’m only eating vegetables,” Yadda yadda yadda.
Then one day randomly, I was thinking about it? Is eating a little more dried mango than you typically would really a binge? Is enjoying sweet potato fries once a month really splurging? If I went back to middle school, and high school, binging on food would be things like chips, and not “Jackson’s honest” where its just sweet potatoes and coconut oil, I’m talking like sun chips, baked chips, Doritos, all of those things. I would eat reduced fat peanut butter, which has like 17 ingredients, instead of just one or two, and wheat thins like it was going out of style, and then washed it down with a diet coke or something. I wouldn’t do that now. Isn’t that progress in itself?
I feel guiltier now eating double the serving of dried fruit, as I did when I ate 5 servings of peanut butter, and 3 servings of wheat thins? Shouldn’t I be proud of the changes I’ve made? I caught myself the other day going back into an old habit of trying not to eat when I was hungry, and then trying to fix the hunger by eating a pickle. When the pickle didn’t fill me up, because why would just one pickle fill someone up, I ate some yogurt, and frozen raspberries. I found myself feeling guilty for eating, so I went to the gym and did cardio for 45 minutes to essentially burn off the yogurt. Were those raspberries and yogurt really going to make a difference? No, not really.
I’m not even sure where I really wanted to go with this post, except for I’m struggling, and so are others. This doesn’t mean I feel horrible everyday, or I constantly hate myself, but it’s a work in progress. Just because someone looks happy and cheery doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling. Some days I feel extremely happy, and then the next day that’s not the case. Don’t let social media fool you either. Social media is the place to brag about the happy moments in our lives, and only show one side of the story.
The other day, I felt like my workout progress just was not there. For everything I have been doing, I just felt like I hadn’t achieved any progress. I felt like I had to be doing something wrong. I basically resorted to thinking about how I could change my diet more. About a day later, I put on these old gym shorts on to go to the gym because my other stuff was in the laundry, and noticed they were not tight on my hips like the used to be. I wore a tight tank top with them, and I felt perfectly okay about it. In fact, I actually felt really good about it. I don’t even know why I still had them. They really were too small for a while, and I never wore them.
Then last night, when I got home from punishing myself for eating yogurt, I was brushing my hair in the mirror, and for pretty much the first time ever, I could actually see a bicep. I’m even guilty of taking a mirror selfie of me flexing, because I had to see if you could actually see it in a picture.
As a newbie blogger too, I sometimes feel like I am nowhere near the level that these established bloggers are at. I made chai tea muffins the other night, and I was so excited for how well they turned out on the first try! I was watching an episode of Master Chef when I went to visit a friend, and they mentioned how nicely the muffin peeled from the paper. These muffins I made peeled just perfectly off the paper. I felt like a muffin master (get it). It was just a little confidence booster, that maybe I am good at baking, and can compare to some of these established bloggers; instead of thinking I am going no where.
Can we all just stop going around and being like, “you’re not depressed, you’re smiling,” and just all that other BS we say. I’m even guilty, I know. I think it’s just the social worker in me is coming out. Just because you met one person who has depression, and is sad 6 days a week, doesn’t mean the next person with depression you meet is going to be exactly the same. Let’s just be nice to people, you don’t know what they are dealing with. How someone looks on the outside, and how the feel on the inside are not necessarily the same, and some people are much better at hiding that.
This post feels so all over the place, but also so good just to be saying. I think what I really wanted to get at was no matter how much progress someone makes, everyone still struggles. We just need to look back and see how far we’ve come.
Chai Tea Muffins
½ Cup Strong Brewed Black Tea
2 Cups Almond Flour
3 Eggs, room temperature
½ Cup Honey
1 ½ Tbs Coconut Oil, Melted
2 Tsp Vanilla
½ Tsp Lemon Juice
1 Tsp Baking Soda
½ Tsp Baking Powder
2 1/2 Tbs Cinnamon
1 Tbs Cardamom
½ Tsp Cloves
Dash of Salt
¼ cup Coconut Butter ( I love Artisana)
- Boil Hot water, and steep 2 tea bags in a small amount of water. Set aside.
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
- In a large mixing bowl, mix together the 3 eggs, honey, coconut oil, vanilla, and lemon juice.
- Once mixed together add in the black tea.
- Slowly mix in the flour, baking soda, baking powder, and 2 Tbs cinnamon, cardamom, cloves, and salt.
- Place muffin liners in the muffin pan, and fill 2/3 way full with batter.
- Bake 18-22 minutes or until baked all the way through.
- While muffins are baking, melt coconut butter in the microwave for about 30 seconds. Stir in ½ tbs cinnamon.
- Spoon glaze over finished muffins, cool, and store in air tight container.
Be sure to follow me on Instagram and Facebook!